Why Are Children Struggling to Grow Up?
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The other day I flew to Istanbul, and I had my eyes shut on the plane so I could rest a little. A child kept crying at the top of his lungs. Thinking he must be young, I wondered why his mother had left him alone like that.
But when I opened my eyes, I found he wasn't young at all. He looked like he was about nine-or-ten-years-old.
I often see older children behaving like two-or-three-year-olds and wonder how the parents can tolerate such difficult behavior.
Why don't we teach our children to grow up? Is it because the messages parents receive today are not in the best interest of raising a child to become a mature, responsible adult?
Parents are told things like, "he'll grow out of his tantrums, just be patient," or "don't squash his spirit," or "that's so wonderful that you let him express his feelings."
But are these the right messages? Do they pan out in real life?
No, they don't.
Bad Behavior
It's a myth that children grow out of bad behavior, but they do grow spoiled, ill-mannered, and impossible when they are not taught to behave correctly.
Squash a Spirit
Yes, you can indeed squash a child's spirit if you aren't careful, but you don't squash a child's spirit by teaching him good manners. On the contrary, you'll give his spirit the freedom to soar because it won't be hindered with discontents that arise from expecting to get his way all the time.
Express One’s Feelings
Expressing one's feelings is a modern attitude that hasn't served us well either. Yes, one has feelings, and many emotions will be felt like love and joy and grief and sorrow. But a preoccupation with how we feel over the consideration of others will not support harmonious relationships.
We are so concerned with our own feelings that we forget to concern ourselves with how our spouses might feel, how our children might feel, or how the person we just cut off on the freeway might feel.
I'm not suggesting that we should deny our feelings, but only that maybe we've gone a little too far in our preoccupation with teaching a child to "express" his feelings.
The Buzz Word
We speak a lot about good character; it's become a sort of buzz word. We presume that teaching our children to understand their feelings will build their characters, but this is incorrect.
Children think very concretely, so trying to teach a four-year-old about his feelings is like teaching a horse to bark. Children can't understand abstract concepts like their "feelings."
Nor can we teach a child to have good character. We can raise a child to choose to behave well, but we can't make a child do anything.
Ironically, the key to developing good character is to learn self-control. Without self-control, we are at the mercy of our passions.
One approach to teaching a child a child self-control is to say no to your child more than you say yes. This approach has nothing to do with feelings and everything to do with reigning in one’s passions.
Ironically, children are happier when you say no to them more than you say yes.
Consider this: to appreciate something truly, we have to get it in less frequent doses. When we have something all the time, we lose the ability to enjoy it as fully and deeply because we've forgotten what life was like without it.
It's one of the ironies in life, not being able to appreciate what we have with all of our heart until we no longer have it, especially when it comes to those we love.
A husband never appreciates his wife more than he does when she goes away for a weekend and leaves him with the children. A wife never appreciates her husband more than when he's away on a business trip, and she has no support at home.
And a child never appreciates an ice cream cone more than when he hasn't had one in a long time.
“I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks.”
It's not always convenient to say no to a child. You may have to deal with a tantrum, rude behavior in a public place, or something else which is why our default is usually a “yes”.
But is it helpful in the long run? Not really. The extra time you take to say no and teach your child self-control will save you both a lot of grief later. You child may moan and groan, but over time he'll be a more content child because of it because he’ll have learned some self-control.
Therefore, one of the ways to raise a happier child is to learn to say no to your child more than you say yes. Teach him to accept things as they come, even when they are the opposite of what he expects them to be.
And teach him to appreciate what he has by giving him less of it.
Adopt this simple parenting habit, and you will help your child grow into a mature adult and live a more content life.
Children are too indulged today, which is why they are struggling to grow up.
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Elizabeth Y. Hanson is an educator, veteran homeschooler and a Love and Leadership certified parenting coach with 17 years experience working in children’s education.
Using her unusual skill set, she has developed a comprehensive and unique understanding of how to raise and educate a child, and she devotes her time to help parents get it right.
Disclaimer: This is not a politically-correct blog.
